CRUISE NEWS COLUMN
First Published August 17, 1995
Buying a Classic Car on an Ad
Through the years, many cars have come and gone. I and my partner Todd have owned over a total of around 60 vehicles. And each week we still pour over several publications all containing ads -for old cars. It seems we are always looking for something to give us more stress and less money in our 1ives. But I guess when it comes to old cars, well, you know how it is, when you "got it," you usually "got it bad". At Kidd Darrin's we close up and get out for our lunch break. It helps us to keep sane. That's also when we bring the weekly reading material concerning what's for sale in the country in the way of interesting vehicles. I can tell you that not only has it provided us with some viable leads but in addition it has invariably provided great entertainment value for the dollar. I'm talking comedy here. Some of the publications we get have pictures of the vehicles described. Most times that hurts the seller more than helps. Some have only verbal descriptions that could rival many of the classic poets. And some have ads that are downright clever and brutally honest. One ad described a car that "smokes more than my mother-in-law, and gives a whole new meaning to the word rust." Purchase of the vehicle promised a "free case of beer" for the buyer. At least you had a fair warning. There are all kinds of catch phases used in these advertisements. You know the ones. We here them at shows and get togethers and of course read them in ads. So, on the lighter side this month I decided to give you your own guide to translating the Top Ten Sales Lines Used in Classic and Antique, Advertisements.
1. " RAN WHEN PARKED" OR "WILL RUN" This usually has nothing to do with the vehicle in question and everything to do with the owner and the potential buyer. Most times “ran when parked” means the owner ran as far away from the old heap as he could when it finally gave out its last gasp. Usually its in the side yard where he went out to start it up every six months or so. Up until that point it "ran" in a very loose definition of the word, so it stands to reason it "will run". At the very least that's exactly what you should do when you see this "Classic" rusting quietly under a years worth of fallen leaves.
2. "JUST RESTORED" OR "FRAME UP RESTORATION" Oh boy, this is the car. You can see yourself pulling into that show this weekend! Hey, it's done. All you have to do is get in and enjoy. Well not exactly. Years ago when a vehicle was "restored" it usually meant it was done at a reputable restoration shop. Welcome to the 90's! "Just restored" most times means the owner bought a new set of floor mats and a pair of fuzzy dice. And there you have it. A nice car that is in nice condition that looks nice. Oh alright maybe he Armoural-ed the interior too. It's funny, but fifteen years ago there was no such term as "frame up restoration." Now it seems to mean "if I can't see it, then why worry about it . "
3. "ALL ORIGINAL" This means the owner was too lazy to perform any kind of maintenance. Rust holes were never repaired. Pitted chrome never redone. Paint never waxed. But hey, it's all original! If anything was replaced it was replaced with, or course, original parts. Worn, weathered, beat, original parts. Some of the "original" parts originally came on another model! Most of the "original" options don't work. Some of the "original" parts have been removed and piled into boxes in the trunk. Boy, there's nothing quite like and "original" car.
4. "NEEDS T.L.C." This one is easy. This is what you need if you buy this car. T.L.C. = Truck - Load -of- Cash
5. "READY FOR RESTORATION" This is another easy one. Easy to translate that is. However before you go out to see this vehicle you will need to make a few preparations. If you are married you will need to file for divorce. If you own a home with a one car garage you will need to sell it. Find a one bedroom apartment and put a deposit down on a three car warehouse. Applying for a second or third part time job is essential. Stock up on macaroni and cheese. You will need to buy a sleeping bag and an automatic drip coffee maker that you can leave at the warehouse with the lifelong commitment you affectionately call your "Restoration Project." "Ready for Restoration" simply put means "My life was changed forever (and with a little luck I may recover, but look I got this great car!)"
6. "LOW MILES" This one always gets me. Apparently some people think "low miles" is a subjective thing. Like if the car is forty years old and it has less than 5000 miles clocked on it each year, that's "low miles". To me that's on e tired 200 ,000 mile vehic1e that's probab1y "READY FOR RESTORATION" (see number 5 above) .
7. "CLASSIC" Well can't get into trouble here. "Classic" Translates to "Old". Most everyone who's selling a vehicle older than 20 years has a "Classic". Not always popular, sometimes not even remembered, but almost always it's a vehicle somebody thinks is worth a whole lot more than it realistically is. Let's face it if I have to be told it's a "Classic" how "classic" can it be? Ads like these often pose the questions "When was the last time you saw one?" The answer is usually found on the next page. Even if it's not, some vehicles were just plain duds when they were new and now 20, 30, years later, still nobody wants one.
8. "MINOR RUST" This means that the rust has gotten to a point at which the owner can't hide it anymore. Most ads never mention the word knowing it can strike fear in the hearts of the most diehard car nuts. "Minor Rust" refers only to the new rust that has appeared and does not include the rust bubbling through old bodywork. "Minor Rust." means "I'm only trying to prepare you so you won't be too overcome with disappointment when you see just how bad the rust really is". "Minor Rust" means "I really don't want to look too hard for fear of what may be fal1ing out of or off of my car." From Twenty feet away it looks "minor". "Minor Rust" translates to "Forget, you saw the ad and turn the page."
9. "NEEDS FINISHING" "90% DONE" "85% DONE" and so on. This should read "90% or 85% done for" (depending on how long the current owner has had the car). It usually means "I took this thing apart five years ago and haven't touched it since. I really would 1ike to finish it but I forgot a lot of stuff. Like where some of the parts are, and just exactly how some of this wiring harness is supposed to go. I got the frame painted and the engine's got a lot of chrome on it. But the new Centerline wheels and tires I bought when I got the car five years ago don't go with it. They're for my next project."
10. "ONE OF A KIND" This almost always describes a vehicle you no longer recognize. You know it was a car at some point but now it's a personal statement that transcends the boundaries of all known forms or functions. The owner is usually very proud of his "one off" and the price most often reflects this fact. These ads almost never include the familiar OBO , or OFFERS at the end near the price. At least not the first week the ad runs. "One of a Kind" loosely translated, usually means you'd sooner pull up at the next car show in a Yugo than be seen in this guys idea of automotive creativity.
I hope I didn't make everybody mad. A few is OK. I'm sure some of you reading this have used some of these tag lines in your ads when selling your ride. So from now on don't! But hey it's all fun. It always amuses me how we all tend to stretch the truth. It's only natural I guess when selling a vehicle on words and a photo or just words alone. Just talk to anyone about their ride and at a show and they can talk for a good half hour about everything they've done, added, and improved. It's pretty tough to do it in three lines. So until next month keep salvagin' and savin', tunin' and tinkerin'. Oh yeah, and buyin' and sellin'!
